Sweet dreams, fellow fliers of the midnight skies....

Sweet dreams, fellow fliers of the midnight skies….

We’ve all been there. On that ten to fourteen hour overnight flight across five different time zones, and probably at least as many oceans. For most of us, the best we can hope for is something to eat, a drink, and then, God willing, the numbing bliss of at least a few hours’ sleep.

This feature presupposes that you are turning right on entering the aircraft. To those of you entering the hopefully hushed realms at stage left; goodnight.

So; what if sleep should prove as elusive as a pain free security check? Supposing you are unable to stretch out sublimely across the sprawling, eighteen inches of real estate that is the standard seat width in economy. Then what?

Fear not. Just peruse this handy checklist, below, and every future flight will be a dream journey. Don’t thank me. I’m here to help….

1) Is your pillow too soft? Odd to say, those wafer thin inflight pillows often prove to be too soft for some people’s sensibilities.

To make your pillow firmer, I suggest you sneakily insert the bread roll from your inflight meal into the cover. Those things are usually harder than a panzer’s armour, and much less vulnerable to long range shellfire. It’s the equivalent of going to sleep on a boulder. And it also offers the added bonus of not breaking your teeth on the brute when you actually try to bite into it. Win-win.

2) Still not sleepy? Check and see if your AVOD contains a Lionel Richie greatest hits compilation. His voice is always guaranteed to make you want to slip into something much more soft and comfortable. Like a coma. Three tracks in, and the monotonous mewings of Mogadon Man will ensure that it’s ‘goodnight sweetheart’ in mere minutes. Hello. Is it dreams you’re looking for?

3) Still not sleepy? Check the film library for anything starring Hugh Grant. Watching anything starring this smug, simpering, sporadically animated Barbie doll is the closest thing you can get to an actual near death experience, but without enjoying the fun part at the end. Highly recommended.

4) Noisy kids in the seats behind you? Wait till mummy or daddy has to use the bathroom, and then try giving junior a quick, sneaky whack across the head with your enhanced, specially hardened pillow. One of those bread rolls could put a hole in a Klingon battle cruiser at ten miles; it’s a safe bet that it will deliver those charming, cooing, satanic little savages into a catatonic state for a few hours at least.

5) Thought about counting sheep? Ah, yes. That old chestnut. But, before attempting to go there, pray consider the following….

Recent studies conducted among males in certain rural areas of the UK have revealed that counting sheep actually causes a random amount of unhealthy nocturnal arousal.

Instead, try chanting the words ‘Katie Price, Katie Price’ until you fall into a zzzzzzzzz………

What? Is everyone OK? Was that good for you? Aha….

And now, we hear the welcome sound of the breakfast tumbril, as it gathers pace along a floor strewn with plastic bags, crushed cups, and half eaten bread rolls embedded with partial molars. The protocol droids will soon be handing out the landing cards. The joys of arrival are imminent.

On second thoughts, it might be time for a quick nap…..


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