You might be one of those lucky people that needs neither an excuse nor an incentive to run away to sea. I can get on board with that. In doing so, I salute your sense of chutzpah and your dedication to a life of insouciance on the ocean waves.
However, not all are quite that fortunate. Some people need stimulation of one kind or another to run away to sea. And that is fair enough, too.
But, in my endless quest to make your voyage across the sea of life just that little bit smoother, allow me to supply you with some powerful incentives to run away to sea. if you need to clutch at straws and jump, this piece is devoted to you, with my love.
1) MARIAH CAREY MIGHT GET A NEW RECORDING CONTRACT – Titter ye not; it could happen. Then what? You’re stuck on dry land, and the glasses in your drinks cabinet are throwing themselves from the shelves because Mariah is back warbling like a whole load of WMD in human form? Run…..
2) IT’S ONLY EIGHT MONTHS UNTIL THE NEXT EUROVISION SONG CONTEST- Ah, yes. The logical heir to the Spanish Inquisition, but with a lot more agonised screaming. Last year they dredged up Bonnie Tyler; the year before, they re-animated Engelbert Humperdinck with a fifty thousand volt charge, a coat of fresh creosote, and a quick gargle of embalming fluid. God knows what horrors they are planning for 2014. And remember; Cilla Black is still alive, and out there somewhere.
On the other hand, if you like to hear groups of Russian grannies singing about chickens, you might want to stay ashore. You do? Really?
3) HUGH GRANT MIGHT MAKE ANOTHER MOVIE –Oh, the humanity…. or the complete lack of it. Our favourite, sporadically animated Barbie doll of an actor might make another film. And then he’ll be everywhere. On television giving interviews. On the cover of every third rate grotfest of a magazine that you see everywhere, grinning at you as if he knows something you don’t. It’s like one long near death experience, but without the fun part at the end. It’s too awful to think about.
4) JORDAN MIGHT GET DIVORCED/MARRIED/DIVORCED AGAIN- Perhaps the course of true love will, alas, not run smoothly once again for the lovelorn Katie Price. Then the poor, heartbroken wretch will feel the need to unburden herself to every cheque book- oops, I mean journalist- in the entire length of this blighted kingdom. There will be no escaping this publicity obsessed harpie- the woman who put the ‘hag’ into haggard. Run away to sea? After a week of this drossfest, you’ll be wishing you could swim out to the Titanic. With bricks tied around both ankles.
5) THE X FACTOR WILL BE BACK- Because true evil never dies; it simply changes it’s frock, and puts on fresh lipstick. That means the return of Simon Cowell’s musical battery farm, as well as the most improbable pair of moobs south of the aforementioned Katie Price.
In the old days, they had public hangings to entertain and divert the masses. Now it’s the X Factor. Hard to decide which is more cruel and inhuman really but, unless they dig up Albert Pierrepoint and make him one of the judges, then I’m betting that the brood that will ultimately succeed the unspeakable horror that is One Dire-ction are mere months away from being foisted upon a cowed and trembling public. Be afraid, dear reader. Be very, very afraid….
Or simply leave it all behind, and run away to sea. Eschew all that horror and instead enjoy your first Harvey Wallbanger as the baleful, breathy presences of Price, Cowell, Carey and co disappear beyond the broad, increasingly sunny horizon like so many smartly dodged storm clouds.
Really. life’s just too damned short to endure that level of dross. Or, indeed, to drink bad martinis.
See you out there somewhere…..