HOW TO DEAL WITH ANNOYING PEOPLE ON A CRUISE- A USER’S GUIDE

Never allow an evil entity to rock your dream boat

Never allow an evil entity to rock your dream boat

There’s always one, isn’t there? That special, drooling, demonic entity that can suck all the joy out of a room simply by walking into it. The kind of eminence grise that even rabid piranha will swim away from in maddened droves.

I’m not suggesting for one moment that they are more prevalent at sea than on dry land. But wherever encountered, the negative energy radiating from these walking near death experiences can do more than just rain on your sunshine; they could, in fact, ruin your holiday completely.

So, best not to let them then, eh?

‘How does one accomplish such a feat, without resorting to the expense of an assassin?’ I hear you cry. It is, indeed, a terrible expense. For a start, you’ve got to pay for an extra cabin for your hitman/woman of choice. But you don’t have to go to such drastic measures. Just refer to the simple list below.

ALWAYS CARRY A CRUCIFIX

It may well be that some of the more terrible creatures only emerge at night, presumably because they spend the day hanging upside down from a coat hangar in their wardrobes. These are the ones that never order room service or a turn down of any kind. They never use the drawers in their rooms, for fear of coming into contact with a bible.

You might see them gorging on what you might first take to be a Bloody Mary. In actual fact, it’s probably the strained and purified blood of six young virgins. Don’t be fooled.

Just carry a small crucifix, but remember that it might set off the metal detectors when coming back on to the ship from dry land. Might be best just to carry a clump of garlic bread then, and hope for the best.

PACK AN ELECTRIC CATTLE PROD

A small, elegant solution for dealing with people who cut in line, or for deterring the satanic, snot sucking little savages that insist on cannonballing into the adults only hot tubs. Application is deft and easy and leaves no marks. And remember; on a cruise ship carrying three thousand passengers, an overly amplified band and an out of control tannoy announcer, no-one will hear one or two little screams. Highly recommended.

BRING YOUR OWN PLANK

Touch my chocolate and you'll die screaming. Fact.

Touch my chocolate and you’ll die screaming. Fact.

By this, I am not inferring that you bring a semi literate quarter wit as a travelling companion. Though God knows, some do. No. I mean, bring an actual wooden plank, and carry it everywhere with you. That way, when someone is really annoying you, you can simply put your plank out over the railing, and put your tormentor on the plank. Apply your electric cattle prod to a tender part of their anatomy. It’s one quick splash, some very happy sharks, and you can go back to your Margarita in peace. Nicely done.

Helpful hint; a large wooden plank on a cruise ship can be somewhat conspicuous. Perhaps cunningly conceal yours under a beach towel?

ALWAYS CARRY A LARGE BOOK

A great one for sea days. Keep open a wary eye for the horror of your days as he/she/it patrols the deck like a mosquito looking for a target. At the moment of approach, open the book at any page and fall into it as though you are devouring it. Feign an attempt at rapt, studied concentration and, hopefully, your grey eminence will simply not disturb you.

Helpful hint: make sure you are not ‘reading’ the book upside down.

Second helpful hint; make sure it’s not a book by Katie Price, or that Kerry Katatonic. Otherwise, you will see swarms of people part like the Red Sea as you pass them.

If only cruise ships did dungeons...

If only cruise ships did dungeons…

WEAR A MILEY CYRUS/ONE DIRECTION T-SHIRT

See the general comments above. No-one in their right, left or, indeed, centre mind will approach you if you wear this kind of thing. You’d get more social interaction if you put on a swastika armband and goose stepped to the gala buffet.

So; there you have it. I hope these simple, quite elementary steps help to smooth out the course of your cruise. But always remember, dear reader; true evil never really dies- it just changes it’s frock and applies fresh lipstick.

Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.


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